Dear Mr. Wilburs,
My acne is a real problem. I mean, c’mon, I look like a commercial selling zits. If the Olympics had a zit competition, I’d walk away with a gold medal, no problem.
My so-called ‘friends’ are so uncool. They call me ‘the zit that walks like a boy’. Since I’m pretty good at track, my teammates call me ‘Zippity Zit’.
And, worst of all, I’m known all around school as ‘the bishop’. Ever since The Post and Bugle called masturbation ‘burping the bishop’, I get called ‘the bishop’ even by the chicks.
Billy ‘the bishop’, Boston
A few facts to start. Masturbation is not related to acne in any way whatsoever. I once had a patient who masturbated three times a day…three times!!
And this guy had skin that was smoother than a monkey’s foreskin. But, he was an xyy chromosome genotype. In other words, he was a ‘super male’ in the jargon of the genetics crowd. His testosterone tested levels were between 1.5 and 2.0 times the average.
Your testosterone levels are slightly elevated. So here’s what you do…my advice in other words.
Put the word out that you are a genetic supermale. That you are predicted to be the most successful guy in your year.
Vigorously demand to know who leaked the confidential information (be careful to not deny the information). Mention that legal action will be forthcoming and that you and your legal team “will get to the bottom of this”.
Follow the above strategy and you will learn what countless other guys with uglier faces than a mule’s ass have found out about women…and that is that women prize power more than any other male attribute.
As well, you should throw your shoulders back and learn to walk like the ‘Duke’ himself, John Wayne.
Practice your ‘smoldering’ look and look directly into the eyes of the girl you’re talking to. Pin her back to the wall. The girls will start melting faster than a cold-hearted bitch in heat.