Larry from Kentucky

Dear Mr. Wilburs

I write to you out of sheer desperation. I really need some help here. I’ve reached the end of my rope. It’s about my girlfriend.

Well, to be more accurate, it’s about my girlfriend’s condition. This is very embarrassing to say. I mean, what if word gets out? We could never be seen in public again.

Ok. To the point…man, this is embarrassing.

You see, my girlfriend, who can be seen in this season’s swimsuit edition, was born with a bowel condition which causes bowel gas to build up and up, without releasing. But when she does release all hell breaks loose. I mean, if she were a guy, she’d be famous by now. It sounds like a cannon. You’d think you entered a war zone. The blasts can knock you on your ass if you get a direct hit. 

Just yesterday, we were walking past the main lecture hall when all of a sudden she fired one off. It was a real dousie. She blew the doors in and all the students dove under the tables.

The university sounded the bomb alert and called for a swat team. When the police arrived they wanted to question me but I just couldn’t tell them it was my girlfriend. She just sat there with a little primrose smile on her face, the picture of sweetness and innocence. Some of the younger swat team members got into the ogling business. Man, if they only knew…from out of that delectable rear end come some of the most dangerous firepower created by man…I have to believe that sales of the swimsuit edition would drop like a stone.

The judge sentenced me to a year in jail which I didn’t mind that much since I was now out of the danger zone.

My girlfriend dumped me because I now have a criminal record. She hooked up with this Arab guy but it didn’t take long for him to get accused of setting off a bomb in the study hall and knocking the elderly librarian unconscious.

I’ve tried to turn her in but the police just laugh me out of the station. What do I do, Mr. Wilburs? What do I do?

Larry from Kentucky

Mr. Wilburs replies:

Leave it to somebody from Kentucky to get hooked up with some out-of-state gas blaster. Look, there’s not a lot you can do. I mean a fart’s a fart. It sounds like your girlfriend or ex- girlfriend has a lot of talent. Your mistake is that you’re not marketing her at all. However, I do understand your concern about personal safety. Just keep her butt faced away from you at all times. You know what I’m saying here…it’s just not worth the risk of serious injury.

There’s a million ways that you could make some coin here.

1. You could hire her out to stag parties. Get a guy drunk enough and he’ll stand in her line of fire. It would be great fun to watch some cocky guy get knocked on his ass.
2. You could put the whole show on the internet and I’ll guarantee you it will go viral. The guys would laugh their asses off.
3. You could even give her a nickname, for example…the guns of Navarone…or thunder cheeks…or my gas lass.

So go for it, son. Any girl that can break wind with that kind of power is worth a fortune to the right promoter. You could get on Jon Stewart or even better, Kevin Colbert. Saturday Night Live would be a cinch. Say ‘Hi’ to the Gass Lass for me. Your future looks bright. There’s a lot of money to be made in farting. Good luck.