Introduction

(Curtains closed. Venus, a college freshman from Savannah, Georgia, walks out to center
stage and introduces herself and the play. Talks in typical sing-song teen speak.)

VENUS

Hey, there. Glad ya’ll could come today. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. This is my story about adults, like they really act that way. Not. Anyway my grandma always used to say that the business of love… she always called it a ‘business’… that the business of love was not for silly people… buuut, that only silly people do it. I am a freshman at the University of America–like a fictitious name, right–naturally, since I do want to graduate and I’m only a freshman. So far I’m at, like, the top of my class in molecular biology. And like, there are a lot of really cute guys in there but now back to what I’m supposed to be here for. These are based on some of the true stories that happened like this year. I mean, unbelievable, but like that’s adults. So, I am very pleased to present to you… ‘Much Ado About A Sex Comedy’, (she giggles).

ACT 1

SCENE 1

Curtains open at the home of Greta Reifson and Danny MacKilroy. Greta is in the large living room and is preparing a picture frame for hanging. An oriental folding panel conceals her from the sight of anyone entering the room.

Danny opens the door and peers in, surreptitiously. He enters and is not aware
of his wife’s presence. She is not aware of him.

Ever so carefully he closes the door behind him and resumes his conversation on his cell phone in conspiratorial style. He lifts his knees high and puts his feet down carefully as if trying to avoid stepping on broken glass.

DANNY

I wouldn’t call three hundred and fifty dollars a month an easy payment… how can I hide that? … Tell my wife!? … Have you forgotten, Dr. Refurbisher, that I have to keep this a secret? … because… she wouldn’t understand… besides, she’s a kind of soul mate to my sister… no, no, not as far out in orbit… not nearly… but, you know, I have to be careful… No! No! No! She doesn’t need refurbishment… well, maybe a little… don’t they all? Ha! Ha! Ha! Anyway, I can’t afford another three hundred and fifty dollars a month… yes, yes I know about your package deal… but no… it’s my sister that needs refurbishment… badly… now, when can you come over?

Dr. Refurbisher (we hear his voice only)

Well now let’s see … so many wives, so little time…
(He turns through a very thick appointment book.)
(Danny turns as he listens as Dr. Refurbisher finds an open time on his chock–full schedule. He spots Greta out of the corner of his eye. He is startled.)

DANNY (Continued)

AHHHHHH!!
(Danny is in shock. Greta is standing there, arms akimbo. She fixes him with a suspicious stare. He staggers back searching for the arm of the sofa.)

Dr. Refurbisher (voice)

What is it!?

DANNY (Continued)

What!? WHAT IS IT? My wife has just attacked me…a sneak attack… from the flank!

GRETA

Who are you talking to Danny?

DANNY

WHO!? Why!? Me!? …Nobody!?
(Greta approaches Danny)

GRETA

Who Danny? Who are you talking to?

DANNY

Nobody!… Nobody.
(Greta snatches the phone from Danny’s nervous fingers.)

GRETA

Who is this? Yes, I will allow you to introduce yourself… Dr. … Dr. What?… Did you say Refurbisher, as in the noun… you call yourself Dr. Refurbisher… of what?… Of women?… You don’t refurbish human beings, Dr. Refurbisher, if that is your name, which I highly doubt. … What kind of asinine thing is that? I think you’re in the business of soaking gullible men… of which my husband is a text–book example.
(Greta looks at Danny with a what–kind–of–fool–are–you expression.)

Dr. Refurbisher (voice)

Would it possible for me to meet you?

GRETA (Continued)

I have no desire to meet you, Dr… what was it again?… Dr., ah, Reconditioner…are you a hair product, sir?
(Greta snaps the phone shut and fixes Danny with a laser stare. Danny withers and turns away.)

GRETA (Continued)

What’s going on Danny? Danny! What’s going on?

DANNY

I … I just thought that Dr. Refurbisher could help Susan.

GRETA

Help her? Help her in what way?

DANNY

She’s miserable. Her success, her fame has only brought her more misery.

GRETA

That’s the way she wants to live, don’t you…

DANNY

She’s my sister… and I knew her when she was just a little girl… a happy little girl.

GRETA

Maybe so, Danny. But now she’s all grown up… she’s the woman she wants to be.

DANNY

No. Not really.

GRETA

Yes. Really… and besides, it’s none of your business.

DANNY

I should… I should just abandon her in her hour of need?

GRETA

She does not need your meddling, Danny! I know her better than you. And she’s not in any ‘hour of…’

DANNY

She goes through men like a box of tissues… uses ‘em once then throws ‘em away.

GRETA

Well, so what? What about Richard Cassoletti?… What’s that that you and his friends call him? The Calabrese Cannon?

DANNY

Well…it’s not actually him that we call the Cannon.

GRETA

Well…what is it then…what is it you call the Cannon?

DANNY

You wouldn’t understand Greta…you’re a…you’re a girl.

GRETA

You are so last century, Danny.

DANNY

Greta, he’s…

GRETA

He’s what?

DANNY

… he’s… he’s gifted…you know…down there… where it counts…
(Greta flaps her arms in frustration, eyes rolled up in disgust.)

GRETA

You mean to say that you call his… THING… The Cannon? Don’t you see the utter absurdity of what you’re saying… you have a gold double standard, Danny.

DANNY

He’s a legend, Greta…a living legend…I mean, you know, you’re not a guy.

GRETA

A legend because of the size of his …his organ?

DANNY

It’s not just that…he’s a…a world class… conqueror …the streets of this town are lined with his conquests.

GRETA

You want Susan to be the damsel in distress…waiting for her… penis, in shining armor?

DANNY

He’s also called ‘Clyde’…I mean the guys really look up to him…kinda like a hero to all the guys
in the city.

GRETA

‘Clyde…?’

DANNY

You’re a girl…you couldn’t possibly understsand…

GRETA

Try me.

DANNY

‘Clyde’ is short for…girls aren’t supposed to know this stuff…
(Greta folds her arms and stares daggers.)

DANNY con’t.

All right. All right. ‘Clyde’ is short for…for Clydesdale.

GRETA

Clydesdale?…the beer horse? (Greta shakes her head in non-understanding.)

DANNY

I told you that girls aren’t…
(looks wistfully out at the horizon.)
I just want my sister to be happy…the happy sister I used to have. Dr. Refurbisher comes to us with impeccable credentials. Many of his… clients… have shown spectacular improvement…especially among the… the… pre-enjoyed.

GRETA

‘The pre-enjoyed?’ And just how is that Danny?

DANNY

Well, I mean… you know that there’s been a lot of brainwashing going on…

GRETA

Brainwashing!?

DANNY

Look at her nickname–a nickname she chose for herself–she calls herself, Freidan for God’s sake!

GRETA

Yes, well, she’s a big fan of Betty Friedan… the woman who lighted the path for many of us after her.

DANNY

A dark path you mean…they’re all divorced or miserable or between Kleenex boxes.

GRETA

Well, I’m not miserable, Danny. That is until RIGHT NOW!

DANNY

Don’t you see, Greta, they always search for another man. If we’re so bad, how come women keep taking us on?

GRETA

(looks out at audience, deadpans)
God only knows!

DANNY

…snaring us really.

GRETA

Did I snare you, Danny?

DANNY

Well…in a way.

GRETA

In a way!? You came to me panting–like a puppy dog with its tongue out–drooling over everything.

DANNY

But you made yourself incredibly irresistible.

GRETA

I was just being me!

DANNY

That’s what I mean, Greta! Don’t you see? That’s what Dr. Refurbisher does–he gets women back in touch with their… feminine side…so that men will… drool… over them.

GRETA

Danny, try to use that itsy bitsy brain of yours…women want respect… not drool!

DANNY

(majestically)
That’s not what Dr. Refurbisher says.

GRETA

SHUT IT, Danny! Don’t you dare say his name again! I hate it… hate it!
(A pause)

DANNY

It’s not what Clyde says either. He says women want…

GRETA

What does that name mean??!!!!… that skirt chaser, that sex machine, that bipedal phallus…

DANNY

Bipedal…? That’s good! Sex machine… Swingin’ Cannon Cassoletti ….

GRETA

Danny, you are deliberately trying to upset me!

DANNY

What? What did I DO?

GRETA

Think Danny! Think about what you’re doing!

DANNY

(majestically)
Women are not rational. It’s not in their nature. That’s what Dr. Refurbisher says.

GRETA

Don’t say that name!!!!

DANNY

Sorry. Sorry. It’s just that Dr… uh… he makes a lot of sense.

GRETA

I don’t want you talking to him anymore Danny. And I’m serious. I’m confiscating your cell phone… until you get your senses back…
(Greta looks at audience)

GRETA (Continued)

Maybe that’s a bridge too far.

DANNY

Saturday night.

GRETA

Yes?… Well?… Our dinner party?

DANNY

Well, I took the liberty of inviting Dr. … uh… him.

GRETA

That’s a hell of a lot of liberty, Danny!

DANNY

Sis is coming… with her… consort.

GRETA

That’s just perfect, perfect, Danny! I have clients coming, Danny! Important clients! Clients who have taken me a lot of hard work to win over.

DANNY

Like the guy with the dead dog?

GRETA

He is extremely wealthy, Danny. And he had his dog stuffed. And you want this Dr. Horse’s Ass dropped in the middle of it.

DANNY

Greta, please. Dr. Refurbi… sorry… I mean he’s a professional. He says he’s handled cases, a lot worse cases, than Susan. Don’t you see? He’s taken this on as a challenge. We’re very fortunate here, Greta. Look at the benefits.
(Greta snaps open the cell phone. She re-dials the last number. Her voice is
very sweet. )

GRETA

Hello? Is this Dr. Reupholsterer?

DANNY

Refurbisher… it’s Dr. Refurbisher!

GRETA

Well, I wish to inform you that I, Greta, Danny’s wife, is disinviting you to our dinner party on Saturday… yes, that’s right, disinviting you… what? Does Danny agree? Of course he does…

DANNY

(from the background)
NO! NO I DON’T!

GRETA

No. You will not come over… Saturday night or ever. You have upset Danny…

DANNY

(shouting)
NO! NO I’m not!

GRETA

Let me put it this way Dr… ah… Bamboozler…if you come Saturday night I will shoot you dead.
(Looks at Danny, snaps phone shut)

GRETA (Continued)

And you! … just who are you calling the pre–enjoyed?

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