TRUE LOVE (but with problems)

A recorded telephone call accidently recorded by the FBI (and then leaked to the Post and Bugle) between sulfuric feminist, a somewhat weepy, Sandra Fluke, and one of her fiery feminist friends.

“Behind every great man there’s a great women.”

…you know, Maggie, that’s an old saying that is handed down to us from the patriarchal pages of antiquity. Just how stupid were our parents, grandparents and great this and great that ancestors? Anyway, that’s what Tom said to me…can you believe it???…I don’t know whether I love him or hate him…anyway, here’s what I’m thinking…

We all know that we live in a much better world where you’re on your own ‘Charlie’. The new woman grabs as much as she can and to hell with the testicle totin’ dude . What the hell is she supposed to do anyway? Support him in his career…she’s got one of her own, thank you very much, but now the she/s have got ‘the gift that keeps on giving’…and just what is that?…no, not pussy…

…Affirmative Action!!!!! HA! HA! HA!

Perhaps some olde soothsayer said it first. Or perhaps it comes to us from the teachings of the church.

You see, if we were not so arrogant as to think the whole world started with us and that we know better than all past generations then maybe, just maybe, we might listen to the cock-eyed wisdom handed down to us…our most valuable birthright…as the rich distillate of human bullshit over the ages.

But no, the LEFT WING in our western democracy is so modest about our richly deserved self-importance that we rightly believe that all our ideas are superior to any of the notables in our history that espoused thoughts that are in conflict with our progressive theories of today.

“SUCH ARROGANCE!” yell the right wing cone heads.

“SUCH HIMALAYAN EGOS…

…righties love to look down on the rest of us because it justifies their sense of superiority. It is only from the mountain tops that rlefties can look down on the little ants of humanity and feel so far above us,” screams Fox news, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin and the rest of the primitives on the Nazi right…what????…you’re trying to tell me that Hitler was a socialist?

And of course, we are accused of being the irritating little pricks that have their irritating little affectations, like calling ourselves

‘PROGRESSIVES’!?!?!?

…is that enough to piss off the right to the power of 10 or what? Shouldn’t we be called ……………………………….progressives? We’re supposed to be such little people with petty little jealousies and envies, never expressed more succinctly than Eva Perone’s statement…

“I don’t love the poor. I hate the rich.”

Now isn’t that lovely…just lovely.

But right now I just hate Tom…he’s such a right winger…but why does he have to be so gorgeous?

The joke is that the Righties, like Tom, the supposed love of my life who hasn’t called me in a week, are not progressives but are

REGRESSIVES.

Supposedly our America has drifted backwards with these Himalayans in charge with their trying to forge their idea of an uncaring society out of the saintly cloth of human beings. And they are trying to convince us that nowhere is their effort more damaging than in the way we now treat our males…both young and old…but mostly the young…I do treat Tom well…when he listens carefully to feminist theories…but does he ever call???? NO!!!!

Why is that so hard to understand for the Bible quoters out there?

Little boys have to be re-made into civilized little beings not the hell raisers they can be without correction. That’s right, young boys need to be CORRECTED. Too much masculinity is growing in them…like Tom with hair on his chest, oooooooh, gimmee.

Never forget that little boys will become

MEN

some day…soon. Now just how undamnfortunate is that?

They have to be told to be more like girls…and to their credit, TV stations are listening and showing many more androgenous male characters in their sit-com presentations. It’s so refreshing not to have to watch ‘Gunsmoke’ or ‘Rawhide’ or ‘Magnum PI’…all Homer Simpsons of their day…of course Tom loves those old shows where the ‘men are men…and the women are willing’…(there are times when I could strangle Tom) I try to get him to watch ‘Everybody loves Raymond’ and ‘How I met your mother’…ideal shows for turning over-masculinized young men into androgelles….God, why did I have to fall for a Homer Simpson?!

Anyway, the age of the cowboy is behind us…all the sisters know that…thank whatever deity you say your hosannas to that masculinity is going the way of the Dodo birds on the right…’right’ as in right off the sanity charts.

Boys should be punished if they refuse to play with dolls. All you have to do is suspend a six year old from school if he won’t play hop-scotch or skip-rope…or refuses to get a boy-crush on Justin Bieber.

That’s right, PUNISHMENT is the ONLY answer in the noble and critically important conversion of little boys into girls…or goyls (as native New Yorkers have been saying for years). It’s the only way we can escape from the ravages of the male Patriarchy that America’s founders foisted on us.

Just look at what the old, lilly-white PATRIARCHY has done to America:

1. Robbed the native population of all its land…all the way out to the Pacific coast.

2. Wrote our inane constitution which any thinking Progressive will tell you is racist, woman-hating, male biased, gun and small government promoting and a way out-of-date document.

3. Made the document itself almost impossible to correct…which is a tragedy in itself because it is sick, restrictive and needs to catch up with the times.

But the biggest change which all Progressives are thankful for is that we have stopped those bastard men from treating us like sexual objects…how disgusting…how anti human…how misogynistic the old fashioned sexualistic attitude of men…what is it that is so disgusting?…that they want to use their peckers on us every hour of every day in every orifice that we have?…well, we hate their disdamngusting penises. Don’t men know that their little shrivelled appliances are frighteningly ugly…that they should be sliced off?…that they should give us a little peace?…why doesn’t Tom at least call…I’ve left a dozen messages for him…please tell me he isn’t bedding that little blonde Cheer-Leading Major at UCLA.

And the women that do like penises…like Tom’s beautiful one…should be immediately cast out of the sisterhood like the lepers in the old Jerusalem.

(phone rings in the background)

Sorry…gotta go…

Please God let it be Tom, please, please, please…if not I will die.

Lindsey Lohan

diagnosed with excess cranial air

“Yes, that’s correct. When we went inside we were shocked to discover how much empty space there was in the cranial cavity,” said surgeon Dr. Weinsblooming. “So we held the incision open for a few minutes…you know, just to let a little fresh air circulate…it couldn’t hurt…you know, like refreshing your computer…the poor girl needs something, I mean she doesn’t have enough brain tissue to operate on and the small amount she does have looks gnarled and full of holes.”

Asked if it is usual to have so much air in the heads of girl celebrities, Dr. Weinsblooming said, “ Quite frankly, many females have excess air in their heads…you know like Justin Bieber fans, gum chewers or women who whistle and hoot for Ellen Degeneres….?????????”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Why do women moan during sex? They’re thinking about going shopping with you or your wallet.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Asked if all girls have air in their heads, Dr. Weinsblooming looked around to see if anyone was listening and then said, “ Well, I suppose the word is out now…yes, it’s true, all females have at least some air locked in their craniums…some more than others, like the girls on ‘The View’ or Anderson Cooper of CNN or that unnatural creature, Jane Fonda …while women like Ann Coulter or Margaret Thatcher have/had practically none…but it’s still enough for her to need to shut up and listen to men…”.

A reporter asked if Hilary Clinton had any air in her head and again the good doctor looked around, nervously this time, and took his time answering, choosing his words carefully.

“ Well, I suppose if you press me, I would have to say that, yes, she has some air…you know, she’s a lefty… that pretty much guarantees it.”

“ So then, Doctor Weinsblooming, you ‘re saying that a Nancy Pelosi has a lot of air.”

“ Well, I don’t want to get into that…but…don’t say I told you this…but Ms. Pelosi went in for her 7^th face lift just last January and the surgeon happened to glance through her ear and his assistant reached through and handed him the scalpel.”

Doctor Weinsblooming yielded to the tiniest of grins, much like a third grader getting caught pulling the pig-tails of a classmate.

“But she is the leader of the House Democrats,” shouted a reporter.

“Yes, she is… isn’t she…it certainly makes you wonder,” replied Dr. Weinsblooming, with a suggestion of a sardonic tone just on the edge of his voice.

“ Well, what about women like Janet Napolitano who is a member of the President’s cabinet…a valued member?” shouted out another reporter.

The doctor thought for a moment and without a trace of a smile said, “ Well, just don’t look through her ear.”

Part 2

You know, it used to be that we had strapping men, strong whiskey and sturdy women. Now we’ve got hamsters, light beer and bow-legged women who strut like they’re carrying a set.

So, when anything mildly serious happens we get men wringing  their manicured hands and women gasping.

Anything like an acorn falling on the heads of our ‘chicken littles‘ will have them running around in tight circles and wailing that the sky is falling, “the sky is falling!!!”

The debt crisis is nothing we can’t handle if we didn’t have so many hamsters  in Congress and testicle pretenders who have to do their jobs ‘twice as good as a man’…the problem with being a testicle pretender is that when the going gets tough and balls become a necessity, the testicles are nowhere to be found because they were never there in the first place.

Pull down the panties and No One’s Home.

On the other side, so many of our men (not all) have become ‘pussy wannabe’s’ that the hair ‘salons’, men’s cosmetics, sushi bars, giggling and this girlie hugging business have become all the rage. And when serious matters pop up, pull the pants down and No One’s Home.

Pull the pants down and No One’s Home.

Back in Georgia I had an oldtimer ask me:

“We now got the whole damn thing upside down. Thems that got what the Good Lord gave ‘em are makin’ like they don’t have none and thems that don’t are puttin’ on like they do.”

A little down home wisdom that sums up our whole gender confusion in this country.

And where have all the really tough guys gone? They are routinely excoriated by the ‘hamsters’ that work in the media or whose voices have been silenced by the peer pressure of the pussy wannabes or the testicle pretenders.

Where’s Rummy gone (Donald Rumsfeld)? He resigned under George Bush so as to avoid the President having to put up with a distraction of the Iraq war, when the real issue was protecting Americans against the booby nuts who want to blow us up.

We don’t care if they have to give our enemies the old Chinese water torture if it’s going to save the lives of our children, our parents, nieces, nephews, friends and on and on.

But no. We turn pussy at the mere mention of torture. The stumbling media giant, The New York Times, once the most prestigious news outlet in the country, breaks weepy for our enemies…the editorial board has long since hamsterized itself (chewed off its own testicles).

The NY Times HATES testicles. They hated Rummy…his balls were way tooooo big. Why? He was serious about protecting the country. He is a super patriot. See what I’m saying? His balls are too big for the progressive left (read weak-kneed little spiteful shits.)

But when you hate the country, you don’t want to defend the country. And if you don’t want to defend your country, it’s because you don’t love your country. And if you don’t love your country then you don’t want to sacrifice for your country. And if you don’t want to sacrifice for your country then our our country will decline…look around you.

Listen to me, my fellow buglars. We have to speak up! We must let them know that there are testicle toting Buglers out there who will speak up and raise hell against the soft feminine voices of the main stream American media…and many voices of academia.

My God, are there any truly masculine media anchors out there any  more? And please don’t tell me Anderson Hooper or Matt Lauer or Diane Sawyer (God bless her but she’s just so sticky nice and not who we want for serious, hard news.)

We know that the feminine way is best within the family…where it belongs. We’re not saying keep them barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen…well, not all the time.

(See, the old guys had it right. Women are designed for the old run, jump and thump. They are also designed to tend the homestead…kids, cookin’ and conjugatin’ is the way they put it back then.)

To keep our country great we need men with balls…BIG BALLS…in all the positions of power…real power…we can continue to give ‘token’ roles to our females as long as they realize that their primary role is to look after their families…their kids, their men and, yes, their kitchens.

Never forget:

Men are in charge of the world.

Women are in charge of men. ….

Testicles are what built America. Testicles are what conceived America. Testicles are what defends America. It will be testicles that will preserve America…if America is to be preserved.

And it will be women that will preserve testicles…if testicles are to be preserved.

Reality Check; Reality News

THE UNITED STATES

OF AMERICA.

ARE WE GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET?

Short answer: NO!!!

Long answer: Absolutely not!!!

or, as Winston Churchill might have said…….some ‘hell’, some ‘basket’.

Let’s revel in all our problems, shall we? I mean, let’s for a few minutes only, pretend that all of us ‘Post and Buglers’ (Buglers) are wild eyed, mouth- frothing lefties whose chief form of ‘down and boogie’ social conversation is to excoriate the United States and its stained character over a glass of Chablis…paid for, of course, out of your government, academic or media paycheck or a source that can usually be traced back to one of those entities.

Why is it that conservatives cannot understand a simple truth about the high-minded liberals? If you’re thinking about attending some liberal function or you’ve met a peck of liberals who you have befriended, you need to learn a key feature of liberal behavior. That key feature is…..

GUILT

You see liberals enjoy guilt almost as much as the pretention involved in snifting the latest vintage…or watching George Bush stumble through the English language…or watching republicans writhe in anguish at Obama’s win. With guilt, liberals have learned to enjoy self indulgence without all that excess baggage of self-recrimination. It goes something like this:

‘I feel guilty about the world’s poor, therefore I can relish this excellent vintage because I’ve already offset the indulgence with a convincing display of empathy to the unfortunate capitalist victims among us.’

It’s a little like a Catholic friend of mine who confesses beforehand about the sin he is about to commit. We might reasonably assume that this is a little bit of a stretch of Christ’s teachings for forgiveness.

In China recently, I was invited to this delightful dinner party in Guilin…the most stunning locale in the world…along with two American couples and a British couple (all academics). They were all liberal of course but the Americans were at least friendly…I’ve run into a lot of Brits in my travels and they are usually very pleasant and lively company, but not these two. (Imagine being at a dinner party with Piers Morgan when he’s in that odd British high-minded mood of his…you know, it’s like he’s wearing the tallest hat…some Brits have the Gulliver complex, you know where eveyone else is a Lilliputian compared to them…you would need a well-sharpened machete to cut through

the self-satisfaction of Mr. Morgans unbearable sanctimony.)

The subject of hunger came up just as I was about to tuck into a steaming bowl of fried rice and mussels and some other meat that I had learned never to ask the name of…I have a bit of a finicky stomach and I can lose my appetite fairly easily.

The Brit woman announced, out of the blue, that several hundred thousand Chinese die every year from starvation. She then asked the table what their guess would be as to the number that would die globally every year. Getting no takers, she supplied the answer herself, in a somewhat heroic tone I thought.

In any case, I felt my stomach knot up at the thought that many of the starving would be children. I not only lost my appetite but I could not stand to look at the cornucopia of food on the table. But I had no such aversion to alcohol. Indeed, my palate had been sharpened for the very wine that I judged to be of mediocre quality only minutes before. The alcohol, at least for me, helps to banish the faces of the hungry children from my mind’s eye. So I sat there polishing off glass after glass…damn near gulping it… of the red wine that I could now barely taste.

My companion, a beautiful MD, had tried, very subtly to let me know that I’d had enough. But I got perfectly plastered nonetheless which caused her to break into tears. (Oriental women are supposed to look after their men. The other Orientals would blame her for my getting, excuse me, shit-faced. I’m embarrassed about it to this day.)

But I was compos mentis enough to notice that all my dinner companions had no difficulty eating like hippos during the rainy season…and nothing on earth eats like hungry African hippos.

I truly believe that once liberals are freed from the surly bonds of caring and all that icky social stuff, they turn out to be less burdened by humanitarian concerns than us conservatives. Liberals give less to charity than us. They donate less of their time to selfless causes and they look to the government to give them more and more…more salary, bigger pensions, fatter benefits. And then, they effortlessly summon the cheek to tell us that we should be paying our ‘fair share’.

More on this next week,

Heath.

1. 
   Rogue..’ism.

And, of course, the big lie that concerns us here is so-called ‘Cheating’. Just because legions of femicrats and female. T.V. talk shows label a liberated man as a rogue and call sporting, ‘cheating’, it does not make it a fact. To be sure, nature does produce rogue entities such as rogue waves and rogue elephants (and even a ‘going rogue’ book) but nature’s rogues are always outside the norm, exceptions to the rule. Mammalian males are always sowers of their seed. That is the norm!

I ask you for a favor:

The next time you hear the word ‘cheating’

then ask them if they mean ‘sporting’.

The Testicular Imperative:

Poor Eliot Spitzer, Tiger Woods, John Edwards and Bill Clinton, four notable sporters all, and who all got tattooed as Cheaters and had their reps badly bruised by the Big Lie that infidelity is a crime against women.

1. Sporting is NOT cheating on a wife.
2. Sporting is natural male behavior.
3. Sporting is caused by healthy, productive testicles.

“My testicles made me do it!”

(Lou Dobbs referred to Eliot Spitzer as ‘disgraced’. C’mon, Lou, you understand testicles.)

Yes! That’s right! Your testicles did make you do it. This should be and will be the perfect defense in divorce court. It is my hope that enough men will finally have the balls to stand up for their balls and all the testosterone they produce. Eliot Spitzer may not be everyone’s idea of a party guy, but to see him burned at the stake for what all guys

DO

or

WANT

to do,

seems the ultimate in hypocrisy to me.

Did he use state coffers to pay the little filly of his choice? I don’t know but if he did, then just tell the good judge that Mr. Spitzer was simply ahead of his time and that some day there will be a Sporting budget in his office much like a traveling allowance or business lunch is today.

1. Sporting is much more important than eating lunch!
2. Sporting actually lifts morale
3. and increases creativity
4. and productivity
5. and athletic accomplishment (…when Tiger passes Jack’s record, are we going to be man enough to thank his sporting?). Robust and frequent sporting is crucial for the preservation of our businesses, our athletics, our prostates, our creativity, our future,………………………. OUR AMERICA!

Most of the wives of these high profile guys are way too smart to tie their ‘has-been’ sporters to the train tracks for what they instinctively know is natural behavior. You can be sure it hurts them. But it shouldn’t. It has never been convincingly explained to them that having sex with another woman in no way diminishes a man’s love for his wife.

Their wives are the anchors of their man’s life. They are the mothers of their children. They are their closest confidants. Do you really think any one of these four guys trusted his innermost secrets, or his ambitions, or his periods of self doubt with his sporting partner?

Absolutely not. With his sporting partner, he is fulfilling his testicular imperative. Nothing more! Oprah will never understand that (how could she possibly understand what it’s like to hoist around testicles all day long?) and Dr. Phil should be careful what he says. And besides, who says he hasn’t sported a time or two…or wanted to. ‘Doing it’ or ‘Wanting to do it’ is all Sporting.

SPORTING IS THE ACT OF DONATING DNA

TO A CONSENTING WOMAN

OR WANTING TO SHARE

WITH A CONSENTING WOMAN.

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Each week, The Post and Bugle, will select the week’s favorite…

…OXYMORON

Now then, we know that our readers come from the highest levels of intelligence and just pure natural talent, but we are anticipating that one, or, no more than two, might not know exactly what an oxymoron is.

Sooooooo, we are going to explain what oxymoron means.

First, an oxymoron is a contradiction within itself, example…

*** beautiful feminist ***

This is a very obvious oxymoron because, as we all know from life experience, that there is no such thing as a beautiful feminist.

Come on man, they’re all as ugly as chopped rat tails…and everyone knows it.

In other words, why would a pretty girl declare herself to be a feminist? It doesn’t make any more sense than if a star football player decided to paint his toenails pink. Doesn’t happen, man. Just doesn’t happen.

Point made. The term ‘beautiful feminist’ is definitely a …

moron expression…

what kind of moron is it????

it’s an OXY MORON!!!!!

Why? Because beautiful feminists are as rare as Sasquatch in spandex, as seldom seen as a socialist spending his own money and as abnormal as a lesbian’s love note to a sailor.

WINNER OF THE INTERNATIONAL, PRESTIGIOUS ‘COLD PORRIDGE‘ AWARD

That’s right. Washington DC has won the world famous ‘Cold Porridge’ award for the most incompetent government in western civilization.

Washington DC had some stiff competition. There’s the widely-known fiscal disasters sparking rioting in the streets in Greece and Spain…but they were never in serious contention for ‘The Cold Porridge’ because they started out as weakies and became weakier and weakier as their people got really pissed at even the mildest cuts in government hand-outs.

And, it should be mentioned that many countries like Mexico and almost all African countries were in serious contention…countries who have let their currencies fall into the near ‘worthless’ category. Many African countries have received ‘Honorable Mentions’ for the openness of their corruption…Well Done Africa.

The reasons Washington DC won were enumerated by the Selection Committee who have admitted that while there are many worthy basket-cases out there, it was only the USA’s Federal Government that scuttled the world’s strongest economy.

It was this speedy decline that caught the judges’ eyes.

“Starting with George Bush Jr., programs were set in place that guaranteed the steep economic decline of the US,” stated Michel Francois, french delegate to the Board and Selection Committee of ‘The Cold Porridge’. And as a Frenchman, he feels perfectly comfortable in lecturing the US on any and all matters that pop up under his little French beret.

“But his Advisers like Carl Rove…affectionately known as ‘the skull’ that thinks like a corpse…deserve a good deal of applause for America’s failure(s)…you know, without Carl Rove, I doubt that President Bush could have accomplished such a spectacular fall from grace,” he added.

So, while there’s enough credit to go around, only President Obama seems to be getting his full, share of the downhill race to the bottom.

Seemingly determined to transform the late, great United States of America into just another European style ‘peas-porridge-cold’ nation, the President has earned top marks for apologizing for America’s successes.

Further acclaim await him if he proves successful in degrading America’s military strength to, say, that of Lichtenstein…or maybe not quite that strong.

“Many people feel that it was the so-called fiscal cliff that drove America into the mire of mediocre torpor,” said the UK’s central banker. “But, we recognize that it takes a lot of teamwork by a host of cold-porridge incompetents to achieve the stunning decline of, arguably, history’s greatest country’s free-fall.”

“Yes, I agree,” chirped Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez.

“ As I lie dying in my Cuban hospital bed, I am a happy man. My good friend Barack has cut America down to size…now the socialist countries can rise up and claim their rightful place as leaders of all humanity, of all countries…whether they like it or not…now we can crush all those who have more than we do…I congratulate America on winning ‘The Cold Porridge’ Award…and let’s hope many more Awards are on the way.

It just feels so good to see America fall off the perch…next, just make sure you get all those rich bastards who make over 15,000$ a year….that’s still a basketful more than my people make. Down with America!!!!” …

Bulletin:

Former VP Al Gore held a news conference at Berkley late Tuesday in which he announced his intention to give up flatulence for the sake of the planet.
“ Affluent countries like the United States…which, if we’re really being honest here, has way too many really fat people… simply produce far too much carbon-rich effluvium that could be corked with a little bit of bowel discipline”, he explained. “From space you can see an amber cloud of bowel gas, over the whole country, just hanging there, right over our heads.”
While admitting that giving up flatulence is much tougher than, say, quitting cigarette smoking ,for example, he added that once America makes up its mind to accomplish something, the job gets done.
“ We went to the moon and we can give up flatulence. Come on America, put a cork in it!”

Just in…

BULLETIN:

Kim Kardashian’s buttocks are slated to be honored by the Mt. Rushmore preservation committee.

“ We, on the committee have agreed, by a one vote margin, to honor Ms. Kardashian’s bottom and its immense contribution to  American culture by a carved memorial of her, well…her behind , on Mt. Rushmore,” said a giggling eighteen year old spokesman for the group.

Speaking for the minority opinion, Charles Winesome said the celebrity received all her votes from the teenagers on the Mt. Rushmore committee and that was enough to turn the tide for Ms. Kardashian’s bottom and its elevation to the most iconic and esteemed mountain side in American history.

“ Personally, I don’t see how Ms. Kardashian’s bare ass sticking out from the side of a mountain does anything for serious minded people. I mean, come on, this comical protruberance sticking out will be perceived as a giant mooning of our great state,” added Mr. Winesome. “Frankly, I’ve never heard of someone’s ass sticking out of a mountain.”

Ms. Kardashian will be posing on site for the two dozen sculptors working on the project. Tourism is expected to jump by over 800% but while the Mt. Rushmore committee is delighted with the large increase in revenue, Mr. Winesome  complained that only 12% of teens could identify all the current sculptures, but that some 96% of teenage boys knew every  curve and crevice of Ms. Kardashian’s posterior by heart.

BULLETIN: Just over the wire…

Rosie O’Donnell says she has grown a penis through the sheer force of her intellect.

In what is being hailed as a medical breakthrough, the outspoken star of radio and TV has revealed that her new organ, a full-size penis, is fully functional and is “exceeding all expectations”. At a private hospital in NYC, O’Donnell disrobed for a small group of selected observers to prove
Just over the wire…

her claim of having a real penis. “If the President has to show his real birth certificate, the least I can do is show my new ‘johnson’ “, said the media personality.
Asked if she was going to grow a set of testicles, she replied “Why would I do that? I’ve always had more balls than any ten men I’ve met, including ‘the Donald’.”
“It’s all a matter of willpower, mind over matter” she explained. ” I’ve always known that I was the possessor of a powerful intellect and so I’ve finally put it to good use.”