ACT 1
SCENE 2
(Saturday night. Greta and Danny’s dinner party. Greta is very nervous. Danny is maddeningly serene. A knock at the door. Danny and Greta both make for the door. Greta elbows Danny out of the way. Several guests look on, holding their drinks with some astonishment on their faces. Greta peeks through the peep hole and then flings the door wide open.)
GRETA
Susan! My dear, dear Susan! You’re just perfect the way you are… just perfect!
SUSAN
Well, my. I thank you. I’m perfect the way I am? You might get some argument from some of the men on my faculty.
DANNY
Yes…yes… that might be so… who is this little … manlet?
SUSAN
This is Johnny Hercaley.
(she laughs)
I call him, Hercules. Isn’t he just the cutest?
DANNY
Hercules? I didn’t know Hercules was a midget?
SUSAN
Good evening, Danny. You must forgive my older brother, Hercules. He never likes any of the men I bring home.
DANNY
If you brought home men, I might.
(Johnny Hercaley has a full head of longish curly hair which goes a long way in hiding his face.)
DANNY (Continued)
There’s a man in there?
GRETA
Everyone! Your attention please. Thank you. Thank you.
GRETA (Continued)
This is my darling sister-in-law. She is perfect just the way she is. Her name is Susan MacKilroy–professor MacKilroy, Ph.d., but you can call her Friedan.
SUSAN
Hello everyone. It is good to meet you and I look forward to a productive and mutually invigorating discourse on the natural superiority of women. You all look as if you’re up to the challenge.
(Danny gives a mock bow in the manner of a religious supplicant)
Not you, darling brother…you’re too far down on the evolution tree to be helped. Well, let me begin by saying that I’m not the dragon lady you may have anticipated… I’m worse! Hahaha! My sense of humor is just but one of my outstanding qualities. My reputation goes before me like a giant shadow in the sunset of the supremacy of men… this is my … friend… I call him Hercules. He has recently joined my faculty in the Department of Political Correctness for which he has made an appropriate sacrifice.
(Johnny Hercaley covers his genitals defensively.)
(A knock at the door. This time Danny edges Greta and reaches the door first. Greta snatches up the fireplace poker, runs to the door and raises it over her head as Danny opens the door.)
GRETA
Who are you?
(The man at the door is dressed in whites and is clearly startled by Greta’s threatening gestures.)
GRETA (Continued)
Well, who are you?… Are you that Dr. Repulsive? That lowest of low, vile creatures?
DANNY
‘Refurbisher’… Please.
(The man stares wide- eyed back at her.)
THE CATERER
I…I… joose… I… never hurt nobawdy.
(He puts down the two sacs he is carrying and raises his hands over his head in a
gesture of surrender.)
GRETA
This could be a trick… identify yourself or die… you’re him aren’t you.
DANNY
No, no Greta, please, please… it’s not Dr. Refurbisher.
THE CATERER
I… I joose… I joose doeenk my job… I only doeenk…
GRETA
QUIET! You little impostor. I know a trick when I see one.
THE CATERER
(puts hands together in prayer)
So… you no want food? O.K. O.K. you no want him? No like? I take him back. No charge. No charge. Pleeeeze… I have da leetle children.
DANNY
Did you say food?
THE CATERER
Yes. Yes, sir… Polenski’s Catering… theese use to be good neighborhood… now gone all to sheet… very sad.
DANNY
Look, just bring in the food… take it through that door.
(The caterer brings in two sacs of food giving Greta a wide berth. Greta follows him to the kitchen, offstage. A second man appears at the open door and knocks lightly on the door frame. He is dressed extravagantly – high collar shirt, bright checkered sport jacket,
tangerine pants, pink patent leather shoes, loud tie and a wide, dazzling smile.)
DANNY (Continued)
Oh! Welcome! Welcome! Please come in, sir… Everyone! … Everyone this is our special guest this evening, uh, along with all of you, of course, who are equally special. This is the famous Dr. Refurbisher!
(The guests look at each other in puzzlement. They shrug their shoulders.)
SUSAN
Who?
DANNY
Dr. Refurbisher, darling sister. I met him when…
SUSAN
You never call me ‘darling sister’ … anymore.
DR. REFURBISHER
(speaks in the self-promoting, grandiloquent style of W. C. Fields)
Who is this ravishing creature, Danny?
DANNY
Her? Oh, Susan… she’s my…
DR. REFURBISHER
Allow me, Madame, or is it Miss?…to introduce myself. I am Jubilation Refurbisher… you can call me Jubilation.
SUSAN
Is that so? I don’t believe I’ve ever met anyone before with two nouns for a name.
DR. REFURBISHER
I’ve always felt that a name should be descriptive of the man behind it.
SUSAN
Well then… over what do you… jubilate?
DR. REFURBISHER
My breakthroughs… my many success stories. The happiness I disperse throughout this great state like a farmer spreading fertilizer.
SUSAN
Yes. You do have a strong agricultural… bouquet, about you.
(Dr. Refurbisher laughs expansively. A touch of nervousness crept into it. Greta comes in the room with the caterer walking in short, nervous steps right behind her.)
SUSAN (Continued)
And what is it that you refurbish exactly–corn fields, lettuce patches, front porch swings?
(Greta, returning, stops abruptly when she spots the brightly dressed man. The caterer bumps into her from behind. Greta flings her arm back and cuffs the caterer, who goes
rolling across the floor.)
GRETA
Stop! Susan do not talk to that… man or tropical bird or whatever it is.
DR. REFURBISHER
Ahhh… you must be Greta… charmed I’m sure.
(Dr. Refurbisher bows deeply with a tooth filled smile.)
GRETA
Danny! You get him out of my house!
DANNY
Please Gre…
DR. REFURBISHER
Oh come on now. It can’t be as bad as all that. Besides, I think I’ve got some very solid material to work with here.
SUSAN
To refurbish?
DR. REFURBISHER
Yes, that’s it exactly.
SUSAN
Well, what is it here that falls under the purview of your special talents?
GRETA
Don’t you dare…
(Greta takes a run at Dr. Refurbisher but Danny catches her around the waist.
She struggles.)
GRETA (Continued)
You!
(Greta yells back at the caterer)
GRETA (Continued)
Attack him! No not him… the fancy man there! Yes him… the peacock… tear him wing from wing!
CATERER
I joose breenging da food… no my beesiness here.
SUSAN
My dear sister-in-law, have you considered that you may be over-reaching… just a touch?
GRETA
Do you know what it is that he wants to refurbish?
SUSAN
Well, no, I don’t.
GRETA
He’s a refurbisher of women. He has been hired to refurbish you!
SUSAN
But you said I didn’t need to change. That I was perfect the way…
GRETA
It wasn’t me, Susan, that hired him. It was your brother… let me go!… Caterer! Come here! Heel!
CATERER
I joose coming here to breenging food. I sorry I not breenging all food. I very sorry I cheat you. I go back and breeng some more… not rotten this time.
GRETA
You! Shut it!
(Greta slaps him again. He rolls across the floor. He looks like he’s about to break into tears.)
SUSAN
A refurbisher of women. Interesting. But the genie’s out, Dr. Refurbisher. Even someone of your, special talents, cannot put a freed spirit back in the bottle.
DR. REFURBISHER
I free women from the chains of feminism. I teach that progress has been regress. That freedom has brought slavishness. In short, Friedan, I give women back their ovaries! I give them jubilation. (He throws his head back and raises his arms heavenward.)
(Hercules perks up. He looks at Dr. Refurbisher.)
HERCULES
Dr. Refurbisher?
SUSAN
Hush, Hercules.
DR. REFURBISHER
Yes?… Is there a man under there? WAITING TO BE FREED. I am also a liberator to men.
DANNY
Dr. Refurbisher, I’m not entirely sure he qualifies as a man.
SUSAN
You know you have not been given permission to speak, Hercules! Why are you disobeying direct orders?
HERCULES
Well, I was just wondering if Dr., uh, whatever… could give women back their ovaries…just maybe he could give me back my ba…
SUSAN
Silence, Hercules! I will not tolerate this breach of discipline. Speaking out all on your own like that. It’s very bad form. Remember your place!
DR. REFURBISHER
Let me see now. Yes. You’ve probably joined the Department of Political Correctness. Is that true?
(Hercules nods his head and looks at Susan. Reflexively, he cowers, like a dog expecting to be kicked.)
DR. REFURBISHER (Continued)
Yes. Yes. I understand your dilemma… uh, Hercules, is it?… Huh. That’s a tough one… anyway… surrendering your treasures is never easy. I’ve seen it many, many times–especially in the halls of academe–the ground zero, if you will, of the demasculinization of men kind.
DANNY
Did you say ‘treasures’ Dr. J?
GRETA
Oh, now it’s Dr. J!… a personal relationship developing here?
DR. REFURBISHER
Yes, treasures, Danny. God-given organs that make a man a man.
DANNY
Do you mean balls, Dr. J?
SUSAN
Yes Danny! He means those damned little things that just hang there, dangling… and dangerous.
ADAMS
(Plaxton Adams always speaks with his right hand held up and his index finger pointed skyward. His left arm holds a stuffed dog.)
May I say something? I think its important.
GRETA
Of course you can, Plaxton. Everyone… this is Plaxton Adams–of the famous Adams family… and this is his dog, Lord Belvedere… he had the dog…uh…preserved… upon its untimely demise.(Several of the guests draw back nervously)
ADAMS
Well, Lord Belvedere believes society is deteriorating… isn’t it obvious? Lord Belvedere says that most people of the human kind eat vegetables–destroying those perfect little peas, crushing stalk after stalk of broccoli and the totally innocent kernels of corn when they could be eating beetles or cockroaches or worms who are dumber than dirt and not cute in any way. Lord Belvedere will not rest–not be put to rest until every person of the human kind stops killing innocent vegetables and precious, beautiful fruits.
(Everyone stares at Professor Adams. Incredulous expressions on their faces.
Professor Adams is a client of Greta’s. She jumps to his defense.)
GRETA
Yes! Yes of course it is, Professor Adams. An excellent parallel. I wish I’d thought of it myself. Everyone! The professor is a Carnarian. Isn’t that wonderful? Of course it is. You see he eats only meat like his…uh, Lord Belvedere…used to. He does not eat any vegetables.
PROFESSOR ADAMS
Or any of those adorable fruits. These things are so obvious to Lord Belvedere. I simply don’t understand why others fail to understand. Why, Lord Belvedere will wager that few people of the human kind know how delicious and crunchy a bowlful of freshly fried maggots taste…
(Danny raises his arm with his right finger in the air which interrupts the professor.)
DANNY
I’ll have another helping of maggots, please…and pass the cockroaches.
GRETA
You don’t need to try to be an idiot, Danny. Mother Nature has done allll the heavy lifting for you…( sotto voce) he’s my CLIENT, Danny! MY CLIENT!!
(Greta turns to the caterer.)
GRETA (Continued)
You! Back in the kitchen! Cook something! And make it good! Or I’ll thrash your hide and smack you silly!
THE CATERER
I joose breeng food… I am no cooking… theese be crazy place… can’t breeng wife here… too dangerous.
(Greta draws her hand back, threatening the caterer. He scurries back through the door to the kitchen. The scene shifts to the caterer making a phone call in the kitchen.)
THE CATERER (Continued)
Yes?… ‘ello?…’ ‘ello?’… 911? I captured… by crazy woman… my name? Oleg Polenski. Address?… Address is by university… all crazy people here… they keep me… I joose breenging dem food… only a leetle beet rotten… and now they keel me…
(The scene shifts back to the guests.)
DANNY
Everyone! I have an important announcement to make.
(MORE)
DANNY (Continued)
Although you have all met Dr. Refurbisher… or Dr. J., as his friends call him, hahaha… you might not be aware of his latest best–selling book…
DR. REFURBISHER
Oh, Danny, I’m sure no one is interested.
GRETA
Yes. I’m sure, too.
DANNY
Anyway, I bought a copy and it’s very, very good. The name of it is “How to put the testicles back on men.”
(Danny claps and whistles and hoots. No one else does. Hercules finally catches on and claps vigorously.)
DR. REFURBISHER
Ohhh, my goodness… you’re too kind… you’re all too kind…
(chuckling)
DR. REFURBISHER (Continued)
You’re all much too kind. Such acclaim. Thank you. Thank you.
PLAXTON ADAMS
Lord Belvedere is thinking of writing a book, too.
GRETA
He is, Plaxton? That’s wonderful!
PLAXTON ADAMS
Yes. Yes, it is isn’t it.
DANNY
(grinning like an idiot)
What’s it called, “The Perfect Non–Sequitur”?
GRETA
Danny! Will you pullleeeeze stop playing the class buffoon?
PLAXTON ADAMS
It’s called “The Perfect Non-Sequitur.”
REPRESENTATIVE CAL STEVENS
I must say, Dr. Refurbisher, as a politician, I could save a lot of time if I could identify the men who will vote for me and my right-wing platform.
SUSAN
Can you spot a right-winger, Mr. Refurbisher? I mean just by looking at one? Is that in your… powers?
GRETA
Oh, yes he can – - they’re the ones that look like they’ve just had a really tough enema.
DR. REFURBISHER
You see my friends, it is helpful to begin at the beginning…
GRETA
To end at the beginning would be better.
DANNY
Dr. Refurbisher teaches that men who have lost their… treasures… have a certain look about them. And they’re almost always the lefties… am I right so far, Mr. Refurbisher?
DR. REFURBISHER
You are an excellent student, Danny. Students like you make it all worthwhile.
SUSAN
Do you do all your writing at home, Dr. Regressor…deep inside your cave?
DR. REFURBISHER
Ha, ha, ha, a good sense of humor there, Friedan.
DANNY
Is there any hope for her, Dr. J? I love my sister and I want her back the way she was, before she went to all those… empowerment meetings.
DR. REFURBISHER
Well, look at you, Danny boy. To all appearances, you were a hopeless case, a ‘scram’.
DANNY
(wistfully)
Yes…yes, I was a scram… a Scrotally Challenged Male…
DR. REFURBISHER
But now you’re in recovery.
(Danny’s face glows with pride. He looks off as if into the horizon.)
DANNY
Yes… my name is Danny and I say scram to SCRAM!
(Dr. J applauds vigorously)
HERCULES
Can we get back to the lost treasures part?
SUSAN
Are you deliberately trying to wreck your career?
(Hercules cowers)
SUSAN (Continued)
Speaking out of turn? Talking to a self-declared right wing storm trooper?
DR. REFURBISHER
Well, think of it this way, Hercules. Think of it as a war on testicles, a blitz on balls, a jihad on genitals.
SUSAN
Or Hercules, how about… a fight against fatheads, a duel against dullards…
GRETA
…a battle against boneheads.
PLAXTON ADAMS
Lord Belvedere prefers to eat the cats in the neighborhood…you know, locally grown products.
(Everyone stops and stares at Professor Adams.)
DANNY
(Staring in disbelief at Plaxton Adams)
…the irritation of irrelevancies…
GRETA
…the horror of a husband…
REPRESENTATIVE CAL STEVENS
…ejection by election…
(A loud knock at the door. A deep voice calls out)
VOICE O.S.
POLICE! OPEN UP! POLICE! OPEN UP! POLICE!
GRETA
Oh, Susan! Help me. They’re here for me.
SUSAN
For you, Greta? Why?
GRETA
Spousal abuse. I called him names…and then a horror of a husband… I think they overheard.
REPRESENTATIVE CAL STEVENS
(He raises both arms over his head with the peace sign on both hands.)
I hope they didn’t overhear me. I want to stay in office. I apologize to everyone. I didn’t steal that much money…well…uhh,(brightening) I promise everybody everything.
SUSAN
He deserved what he got called. He had it coming.
PLAXTON ADAMS
It is Lord Belvedere’s firmly held conviction that we never should have accepted Daylight Savings Time…it only makes people of the human kind constipated…and all that gas makes the climate warmer…if people would only stop all that farting…it’s the vegetables and fruit you know.
GRETA
It doesn’t matter whether he deserves it or not, Susan.
(turning)
Excellent point, Professor. Lord Belvedere is simply brilliant.
(The other guests wrinkle their noses as they look at the stuffed dog.)
REPRESENTATIVE CAL STEVENS
I will boldly go where others fear to tread. It’s still the same old story. The fight for love and glory… (He is still holding up his peace sign with two arms.)
SUSAN
Why not my dear sister–in–law?
REPRESENTATIVE CAL STEVENS
The fundamental things apply…
GRETA
Because of the new laws here.
SUSAN
What laws?
REPRESENTATIVE CAL STEVENS
As time goes by…
GRETA
The new amazon laws.
SUSAN
Amazon laws?… The warrior women?
REPRESENTATIVE CAL STEVENS
A kiss is still a kiss…
GRETA
The conservative coalition got in power last November and passed the Amazon laws–now a woman is sent to jail for nagging a husband or even for just making him feel lazy or under–serviced…or unmanlike.
HERCULES
I feel nagged and definitely under-serviced…
(Susan shoots him a look and smacks him with a back hand.)
SUSAN
To jail!?
GRETA
Yes! It’s ruined many of our sisters.
REPRESENTATIVE CAL STEVENS
…the world will always welcome lovers…
(Another loud knock at the door)
VOICE O.S.
THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN UP IMMEDIATELY!
REPRESENTATIVE CAL STEVENS
…as time goes by…
GRETA
Wish me well, dear Susan… I’ll be strong…
(Greta becomes weepy)
GRETA (Continued)
I’m an independent, full-bodied woman…
HERCULES
Do you really mean that?
PLAXTON ADAMS
Lord Belvedere strongly endorses the elimination of cats.
(Danny opens the door.)
DANNY
Yes, officer? What brings you here?
GRETA
Take me! Go ahead cuff me! I’m guilty as charged.
POLICEMAN
We received a call that there has been a kidnapping at this address.
DANNY
A kidnapping!?
(The caterer comes running out of the kitchen.)
THE CATERER
It’s me… here… I be kidnap.
(He points at Greta)
THE CATERER (Continued)
…very dangerous woman… she beat me… I theenk I am dog.
POLICEMAN
Are you the lady of the house?
SUSAN
Do you mean woman, officer? The appellation, ‘LADY’ is a term of control used in the subjugation of women for centuries.
GRETA
You mean you’re not here for spousal abuse?
POLICEMAN
Nope. The call was for kidnapping. Have you been abused, madame?
SUSAN
No more than any other woman held captive in the only legal form of slavery left, marriage.
POLICEMAN
Uh, look. I know this is part of the university and we have come to expect a certain amount of eccentric behavior but who kidnapped the little guy in whites?
GRETA
He is not kidnapped. He is being punished.
SUSAN
He short-changed us on the food…
GRETA
…and it’s rotten!
THE CATERER
Joose a leetle beet…
POLICEMAN
You! Did you bring rotten food here?
THE CATERER
I always breeng rotten food to University.
POLICEMAN
Why?
THE CATERER
Because people here no smeel it. They hold noses high in air and no can smeel rotten food.
(The caterer lifts his nose high in the air.)
THE CATERER (Continued)
In old country we keep head low–noses close to ground–can smeel even a leetle beet rotten food.
(The caterer lowers his head and walks in a circle sniffing at the ground like a hound.)
GRETA
Back in there! You’ve got work to do! And take off your shoes and socks. You’ll work barefoot in the kitchen.
(The caterer looks pleadingly at the policeman.)
POLICEMAN
Don’t look at me, little buddy. You either get back in the kitchen or I’ve got a jail cell waiting for yuh.
THE CATERER
(makes his way back to the kitchen)
This be crazy country… my wife she tel’ me not to come ‘ere… everyone a cracked pot.
POLICEMAN
Dr. J! I didn’t see you there! What a great surprise!
DR. REFURBISHER
It’s good to see you again, Chuck. How are things on the home front?
POLICEMAN
Can’t thank you enough, Dr. Refurbisher. It’s like you say; ‘For a happy life, Refurbish your wife!’
DANNY
Told you, Greta! Dr. J. knows what he’s doing!
POLICEMAN
Jubilation is sweeping the nation!
DR. REFURBISHER
Yes. Yes. You’re all too kind… too ki…
PLAXTON ADAMS
Well, in Lord Belvedere’s considered judgement..
SUSAN
Ignoration! Is sweeping the nation.
REPRESENTATIVE CAL STEVENS
Anything. Anything you want, I promise you. You have my wooord on it.
(A knock at the door. Voices can be heard singing. ‘I am strong. I am woman.’)
GRETA
(almost singing herself)
Women … and you others, have I got a surprise for you!
(She opens the door with theatrical flourish.)
GRETA (Continued)
I present to you “The Enlightened University Players.”
(The Players’ Troupe comes skipping in with hands on hips–they stop, face the audience, begin singing to the tune of Oliver’s “I’ll Do Anything For You.”)
THE PLAYERS TROUPE
I’m so politically correct–so politically correct am I
(Venus steps forward. In conspiratorial tones)
VENUS
I’m not so political.
ALL PLAYERS
I’m so politically perfect–so politically perfect am I
(Venus, teasingly, flirtatious)
VENUS
I’m not so perfectable.
THREE PLAYERS (speaking the following)
We don’t say spokesman–we say spokesperson. And we never say a person is ignorant. We say he is factually unencumbered.
VENUS
(sadly)
Well then I’m boyfriend unencumbered…and I want to be cumbered.
ALL PLAYERS (speaking)
We’re at the university–and we want to get promoted–but if we say the wrong things–we’ll surely get demoted.
TWO PLAYERS SINGING
We’re at the university–each day we go to classes–and if we want to graduate–we better watch our asses.
(Venus giggles)
TWO PLAYERS SINGING
(shaking their fingers at Venus.)
You must learn by heart
what will be your role
that men are last
on the totem pole.
VENUS
I’m no master of zen
I’m just a girl
But I’ve got
A strong yen
For gorgeous men.
TWO PLAYERS SINGING
Out, out, silly girl
You will be the fool
Unless you learn the new golden rule
To do unto men
What’s been done to us
For all the years
Of the millennium.
VENUS
So I’ll keep my secret–
and never tell–
but beautiful boys are my favorite toys–
and the rest of you can go to …
GRETA
Thank you! Thank you, players! I loved the part about the new golden rule. Excellent! Excellent!
DANNY
You’re really slipping, Greta.
DR. REFURBISHER
Nothing that a good refurbishment can’t fix up.
DANNY
You’re trying to sell me the package deal, Dr. J. I told you, it’s too much for me.
POLICEMAN
Listen, I’ll tell you sumpthin’. I got my wife refurbished and my sister-in-law on the package deal. It’s the only way to fly, you hear what I’m sayin’?
(A knock at the door. Danny goes to open it.)
PLAXTON ADAMS
Lord Belvedere says it’s all got to do with global warming. Lord Belvedere proposes building a giant air conditioner and putting it in the middle of Africa. That’ll teach ‘em to wear clothes!
(Danny opens the door.)
DANNY
(All the men clap and cheer enthusiastically for the new visitor. Greta and Susan fold their arms and put on looks of complete disgust. Venus looks at him and screams like she has just seen a rock star.)
Ricky! Come in! Come on in! Ladies and gentlemen, the man who needs no introduction…I give you the famous Richard Cassoletti…the Calabrese Canon.
GRETA
Beware women–he’s also known as the beer horse.
VENUS
He is?
DANNY
Greta calls him a bi-pedal phallus cannon.
GRETA
I do not!
SUSAN
As in loose cannon, Mr. Casseroli?
DANNY …
…Cassoletti…
RICHARD
Well, it’s not for me to boast about…
SUSAN
You’re exactly the kind of man-thing that women despise.
VENUS
We do?
RICHARD
(to Susan)
Ciao signora bella. You’re one fine lookin’ little chickadee–what’s your name, babe? I’m Dick.
SUSAN
Uh, huh. I heard you were a dick.
RICHARD
(laughing)
Well, I do aim to please. And my aim is perfect. Satisfaction guaranteed. (spreads arms in self-congratulation, really big smile)
VENUS
It is?
SUSAN
If you were the last hairy beast of menkind left on the planet, I wouldn’t give you a second look.
VENUS
I would.
DANNY
Rick, let me introduce you to the world famous Dr. Jubilation Refurbisher.
GRETA
Oh, so now it’s WORLD famous!
RICHARD
Oh yeah! I’ve heard of you. We’d make a great team, Furbie, can I call you Furbie? You get ‘em back in the real world–remind them what their TIPS are for–and then I take ‘em straight up to Heaven.
VENUS
Heaven… (sighs audibly)
GRETA
(looks at Susan)
Tips?
SUSAN
That’s the new ‘crude speak’ that my male students use for tits and hips.
HERCULES
Now what were we saying about getting back our treasures?
SUSAN
(Swings a backhand at him. Hercules ducks and she connects with Richard, solidly.)
RICHARD
(Stumbling, a little dazed, shakes his head, raises his hands)
Alright, alright. Heaven can wait.
POLICEMAN
Sorry folks. I gotta go catch the bad guys. Why don’t you ask Dr. Refurbisher to give a group session–a lot of crazy people in here–couldn’t hurt.
(He gives thumbs up sign to Danny. The caterer pokes his head out and looks
pleadingly at the policeman.)
POLICEMAN (Continued)
Get back in there! And I better hear that it’s good food! (He leaves.)
SUSAN
I’ll see what he’s up to.
(Susan leaves for the kitchen. RICHARD scurries after her.)
SUSAN (Continued)
So, what are you making, Caterer?
THE CATERER
I joose make a tomato soup.
SUSAN
From those cans?!
THE CATERER
I can no cookeeng… wife, she be cookeeng.
RICHARD
Why don’t we try Italian? Have you ever tried Italian, bellissima signora?
SUSAN
Of course I’ve tried Italian…
RICHARD
No, sweet cheeks, I meant talent. Italian talent, not Italian food.
SUSAN
You know, you should check. No, I mean really. Why I bet that you would qualify for your own personal cage at the zoo.
RICHARD
(He backs away, out of Susan’s reach)
Of course, if you change your mind about heaven… well, they don’t call me Lucky Lips for nothin’.
SUSAN
Well, when I feel lucky, I’ll make sure to whistle for you.
RICHARD
I’ll take it any way I can get it, sweet babe.
SUSAN
(Hands on hips – staring hard at Richard)
Tell me! Where have you been? Have you never heard of a male chauvinist pig?
RICHARD
Stallions don’t play in a pig pen, sweet babe–they run free, always lookin’ for that special little filly.
SUSAN
Keep trotting, Mr. Cannon.
RICHARD
Hey, sweet cakes, why you goin’ with that little… sheep dog?
SUSAN
None of your business.
RICHARD
Oh, yeah… it is.
SUSAN
It is not.
RICHARD
Yup… it is.
SUSAN
And why is that, Lucky…?
RICHARD
…‘cause I made up my mind the minute I saw yuh’, belle donne
SUSAN
Well, it must be easy with so few moving parts.
RICHARD
Here… here’s the spaghetti… now we’re in business.
SUSAN
(to the caterer)
You! Boil some water, unless of course that’s not in your skill set.
RICHARD
Now for some sauce–tangy–spicy–hot–full of passion–fire to melt a frozen heart.
SUSAN
Are you trying to give me some sort of primitive mating call?
RICHARD
Me, Babe?
SUSAN
Yeah, you, stud man.
RICHARD
Here it is–hot sauce… ahhh! Chili peppers–need lots of these–brings the color up–makes the juices flow, the moon brighter–amore!
SUSAN
Maybe your pre-glacial attempts at seduction work with your coquettes, Mr. Canoli, but I do assure you that they make no headway with a self–actualized, mature woman in total resonance with her inner being.
RICHARD
Yeah? Well, you way smarter than me. I don’t even know what you’re sayin’, Babe–all I know is you’re one hot little filly.
VENUS
(pokes her head in the kitchen)
Hey there… can I help?
RICHARD
Sure, little girl–here, start slicing up this garlic–you know how to do it?
VENUS
Well… maybe you could show me.
(Venus moves beside him. She begins to snuggle into his shoulder.)
RICHARD
Oh, by the way, little one, a good cook puts her heart in the cooking.
VENUS
(purring)
Does that mean you don’t like me?
RICHARD
No, no. It’s just that, like the cheese, it’s all gotta be aged first. You know, before it’s enjoyed… come on now… you’re just a kid.
VENUS
I am not!
SUSAN
Stop making a spectacle of yourself.
VENUS
I am not!
SUSAN
Be strong… come here, I want to talk to you.
(They come to center stage)
SUSAN (Continued)
Now then… I have made a study of men… all my career. And, yes, they do have that primal appeal, but so do horses and gorillas… and football players… and hockey players.
VENUS
And construction workers! And cowboys! And any guy in a uniform! And…
SUSAN
Stop it, Venus! The first rule is never, never–ever let your hormones do your talking for you.
VENUS
They don’t talk. They, like, practically shout!
SUSAN
See that stud back there?
VENUS
Every bit of him.
SUSAN
I’m going to give you a first-hand demonstration on the primitiveness of men.
VENUS
But I like them primi…
SUSAN
Stop it, Venus! You’re insulting the legacy of the sisterhood. You don’t pursue the man you want. The second rule is, you only pursue the men you don’t want.
VENUS
I don’t want? Like Hercules?
SUSAN
Yes! Because when it comes time for… disposal, you don’t have to disentangle your heart.
VENUS
But I want my heart entangled.
SUSAN
You have to understand, Venus, that men are simple creatures. They seldom think with any body part above the waist.
VENUS
Neither do I.
SUSAN
Enough! I’m trying to teach you an invaluable lesson that will let you see them for what they are. At their very best, and not often, they think with their hearts. But the winds can change at any second–the buccaneer in that southern port can raise his sail and a pirate is loosed upon women kind. They are instantly turned into liars and can snap a poor girl’s heart as easily as [choose a team] winning streak. Now come with me into the front room. I will show you how backward they are. And stop flirting with every hairy chest you see. One hairy chest is pretty much the same as the next hairy chest. Men’s saving grace is their interchangeability–rather like spark plugs, I suppose–
take the old ones out,
toss them away,
put the new ones in
and save the day.
(Susan and Venus enter the living room)
SUSAN (Continued)
Everyone. Everyone. I wish to show the females how wise and deep and interesting the male sub-gender can be when they are released from the civilized influence of the female master gender. I will start the debate. Tiger Woods is overrated.
DANNY
Oh, come on! No way!
DR. REFURBISHER
Just look at his record!
SUSAN
Of what? Hitting balls in the rough?
(Richard overhears the talk and comes rushing in)
RICHARD
Hey, just hold up. When it comes to sports, you talk here to Consiliar Cassoletti–anything you want to know–any cloudy areas–I’m here for you to clear up the skies.
SUSAN
Wilt Chamberlain would have held Michael Jordan to less than ten points.
HERCULES
Even I know that’s stupid.
RICHARD
You seriously sayin’ less than ten points?
(Susan swings a backhand at Hercules. He ducks. She hits Richard. He staggers.)
RICHARD (Continued)
Fine… fine, ok, ok… less than ten points it is …jeez.
VENUS
Are you good at sports, Mr. Stallion?
SUSAN
Venus! Stop it. Don’t confuse them. They can’t handle more than one thing in their minds at a time. Just try sending them out for milk and mint sauce. It’s a gamble. You might get the milk. You might get mint chocolates. You sure as hell won’t get both the milk and the mint sauce.
DANNY
Hey, come to think of it, I’ve got a great story.
GRETA
It better not be about golf.
DANNY
Listen up. You gotta pay attention to this one. It was late last fall. The weather was getting cold.
Richard
Real cold, man… colder than my Babe’s heart. (He looks at Susan. She quickly looks away–nose slightly elevated.)
Danny
It was the team championship and we were nine under par coming into the sixteenth–so, we’re goin’ low here. I go long with my big dog–real long. Now I know everything was on the line, see? It all comes down to this shot. I step up to the ball. I’m not nervous. I’m dialed in, so focused. This is life! Suddenly I go all relaxed. Stayin’ in the present. My backswing feels like a rubber band. I’m so calm. Suddenly, that one and only sweet sound. The ball climbs then hangs near the clouds like an angel waiting to get into heaven.
SUSAN
(to Venus)
We see here an example of how the male gets as close to poetry as he possibly can when he boasts about his athletic accomplishments to the rest of his fellow Neanderthals.
GRETA
I don’t even recognize my husband when he’s like this.
VENUS
Do you love him?
GRETA
On my needy days… I have a lot of needy days.
DANNY
Lands softer than a butterfly with sore feet…naturally, we’re on the dance floor and they’re playin’ our song.
DR. REFURBISHER
Great shot, Danny!
RICHARD
A par five… five forty five.
DR. REFURBISHER
Wow!
DANNY
Ricky was my ‘B’ player–the best you can have. The best there is. (They do a high five, twirl, give a low five, twirl back and give a high five with their left hands.)
DR. REFURBISHER
That’s terrific–you guys make a great team.
DANNY
That’s what it’s all about.
RICHARD
Yeah, that’s what it’s all about.
DR. REFURBISHER
Yup, that’s what it’s all about.
HERCULES
(moves several steps away from Susan, has to raise his voice to be heard)
That’s what it’s all about.
DANNY
So anyway, I tell my ‘D’ player to make sure he gets it to the hole.
RICHARD
He didn’t. He never did nothin’ all day…all day. Nothin’!
DR. REFURBISHER
Never contributed?
RICHARD
Naw, nothin’, I’m tellin’ ya! A five star dud.
DANNY
Then he asks if he should mark the ball.
RICHARD
So I go, ‘yeah, please, mark that spot–I mean you never know if we’re all gonna be short by fifteen feet instead of ten.’
DANNY
So, just as my ‘C’ player is lining up his putt, all of a sudden we hear “Help! Help! Help!”
DR. REFURBISHER
Someone in trouble?
RICHARD
No. The ‘D’ player–what was his name…?
DANNY
Don’t remember. Don’t wanna remember.
RICHARD
So, he’s lookin’ for balls around the pond…can you believe that…in the middle of the match…with our lives on the line… and he falls in?!
DANNY
It’s deep there.
RICHARD
Yeah, falls off pretty quick.
DR. REFURBISHER
Sure, sure, but how about the putt?
DANNY
Well, my ‘C’ guy…
RICHARD
…Jason…
DANNY
Yeah, Jason. I mean he’s got a crucial putt and all we hear is “Help!…”
RICHARD
“…Help! Help!”
DR. REFURBISHER
That shows absolutely no consideration.
RICHARD
Tell me about it.
DANNY
So Jason has to put the ‘Help! Help!’ out of his mind and make a good putt.
RICHARD
It was a great stroke.
DANNY
Should’a gone in.
RICHARD
Does a 360–horseshoes on him–now it’s my turn–I mean, the guy will not quit.
DANNY
“Help! Help! Help!”
RICHARD
I really had to bear down.
DANNY
Live in the moment.
RICHARD
Like you say, Danny, tomorrow belongs to God but this moment is ours…
(Greta and Susan fold their arms and put pained expressions on their faces. Venus sighs.)
I thought I put a good stroke on it…
DANNY
It was a good stroke, Ricky…you’re trackin’, man.
RICHARD
I completely put the ‘Help! Help!’ Out of my mind.
DR. REFURBISHER
That’s the only way to do it.
RICHARD
Takes a peek in but spins out.
DR. REFURBISHER
Robbed.
DANNY
So now it’s my turn. Ricky’s putt gives me the line, see. Now it’s just a matter of speed. I reach down deep…find what I’m lookin’ for.
DR. REFURBISHER
The real stuff…but, the useless guy? He’s quieted down now?
DANNY
I tell yuh. It was a miracle, period. I got over my ball. My mind is in total lock-down. The last thing I heard from the ‘D’ guy was glub, glub, glub…
RICHARD
Yeah! (laughs) Rub–a–dub–dub three glubs from a dud.
(All three laugh. Hercules laughs last, forcefully. They high five. Hercules tries to reach the high five but he’s too short.)
SUSAN
You mean he’s drowning!?
RICHARD
It’s o.k., buttercup–there’s a happy ending here.
VENUS
I really like happy endings.
GRETA
(turns to Susan)
Buttercup?
SUSAN
He makes me want to strangle him. I’m thinking murder here.
GRETA
(looks examiningly at Susan)
Hmmm…
PLAXTON ADAMS
Lord Belvedere says that unbeknownst to most people, cats pass considerably more gas than dogs.
DANNY
So, I know… I know I have to be firm with the stroke or I can’t hold the line, see…
RICHARD
Can’t hold the line…
DANNY
Again, I get calm, see. I let the flat stick do the talkin’… I mean all day I’m trackin’…read it, roll it and hole it.
DR. REFURBISHER
Role it and hole it.
HERCULES
Hole it and read…and roll…
RICHARD
Strokin’ pure, man.
DANNY
Center cut, bud.
MR. REFURBISHER
Center cut? In the heart!
HERCULES
(pumps his fist)
Center cart! In the hut!
SUSAN
(harshly)
You don’t even play golf Hercules.
(Hercules ducks his head. Sheepish look.)
DANNY
Eagle she be!
RICHARD
Eagle she beeee!
HERCULES
Eagle she…
(Susan cuts him a hard glance interrupting him)
DR. REFURBISHER
So now you’re what? Ten under?
RICHARD
Eleven under, Dr. J. Two holes to go and we got us a dog that can hunt.
DR. REFURBISHER
Exciting.
RICHARD
Tell him about your drive on seventeen.
DR. REFURBISHER
Love to hear it.
DANNY
Well, you know, not to anger the gods of golf or nothin’ but they were smilin’ on me that day.
RICHARD
Say what? He steps up, time to let the big dog eat, goes long–over the trees and knocks it on the carpet.
DR. REFURBISHER
Goin’ low folks.
RICHARD
(laughing)
Goin’ looooow!
SUSAN
Excuse me. What about the drowning man?
DANNY
Who?
RICHARD
Oh, him.
DANNY
Sis. Can I finish my story? Please? Ricky already told you there’s a silver lining here.
HERCULES
Goin’ looooow.
DANNY
So we get up to the green and we got twenty feet–a downhill curler.
RICHARD
Jason gets up–no read–he raps it hard enough to send it to the next zip code.
DANNY
But it hits the back of the cup…
RICHARD
…bounces straight up in the air…
DANNY
…falls straight down…
RICHARD
Thirteen under!
HERCULES
Goin’ loooow.
GRETA
Tell me you didn’t leave a drowning man behind, Danny.
DANNY
He contributed nothing…
RICHARD
…all day! Nothin’!
GRETA
Well, that’s got nothing to…
DR. REFURBISHER
So you got one hole to go.
DANNY
Yeah. But then we got nervous…
RICHARD
The cart girl shows up, so we find out the team ahead finished at fourteen under.
DR. REFURBISHER
Ooooooh.
DANNY
Well, we pump the big sticks out–nothin’ special there.
RICHARD
My drive’s got the best angle.
DANNY
So we hit Ricky’s. Tell ‘em, Rick.
RICHARD
Ah. You tell ‘em. The gods of golf slap me harder than Buttercup here if I put on the braggin’.
DANNY
I’m tellin’ yuh, an amazin’ shot. He’s flag huntin’ all the way, never left the stick… airmails the bunker, rolls like butter, bangs the stick, jars it!
DR. REFURBISHER
Jaaaars it!
HERCULES
Jaaaars….(Richard fires a look at Hercules who suddenly remembers to say ‘it’.)……it…
RICHARD
Fifteen under! We win! A new course record!
DANNY
The happiest day in my life.
GRETA
The what!?
DANNY
I mean…
RICHARD
He means the happiest day of his life on the golf course.
SUSAN
And the drowning man?
RICHARD
He couldn’t play golf, Buttercup.
SUSAN
If you call me Buttercup once more I will slap you… in the head… to keep the damage to a minimum.
GRETA
You said there was good news… a silver lining.
DANNY
Well, yes… it was a very early winter…
RICHARD
And the pond is deep and cold.
DANNY
The pro says we might as well leave him there ‘til spring… you know, preserved and all.
GRETA
(incredulous)
Did he have family? A wife?
RICHARD
Yeah, he did. But every year they finished in last place in the ‘husband–and–wife.’ Three years ago she gave him one more chance but he fell through–missed a one foot put on the eighteenth to tie for second last place. I mean the guy could not play.
DANNY
So, she divorces him.
MR. REFURBISHER
Understandable.
VENUS
But that’s a sad story.
DANNY
We finished with three consecutive eagles and you call that sad?
SUSAN
(shakes her head in disbelief)
THE CATERER
I go now? Spaghetti, she boileeng.
GRETA
(turns quickly)
Get back in there and cook! Cook! Cook!
(Venus moves over to Richard and flirts openly. Susan grabs her and pulls her away.
Danny demonstrates his golf swing to an admiring Dr. Refurbisher.
Greta chases the caterer into the kitchen)
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